Got his arms, iPad?
Yeah. Got his legs, iPhone? Lash him to the bed with the USB. It’s in the black bag. Let’s rob this fool.
No, iPad. Calm down. We’re inside this man’s dream. Understand? We would just be robbing him of his dream possessions.
Sh&# iPhone! Robbin’ dream possessions is the greatest. I don’t think you understand, phone. When he finally wake up, we got everything a his that really matter.
Ah…Ah * mumbles | inaudible | mumbles * NO! Spirits, said Hambone. Release—! Release me, spirits! Haunt not mine eyes with these precursors of progress! Unbind mine hands with your instruments of intoxication.
There’s a slap for that! said iPad, striking Hambone. We delusions a consumer electronics.
Who let you guys in, said Hambone. I haven’t been to Best Buy in months.
There’s a slap for that, too! Gimmie ninety-nine cents! Customers who have been slapped for asking stupid questions have also been slapped for taking too long to answer and for answering the wrong damn question.
Your mamma was MS DOS!
Knock it off, you two, said iPhone. The Inventor didn’t send us here just to show this guy how many slaps we have in the slap-store.
You know The Inventor? Did he tell you what he did with my Limelight?
Enough, iPhone. You best tell this kid what’s up. He better face it. This is his dream.
This is not my dream! said Hambone. I may be dreaming this, but this is not my dream.
There’s a slap for that, too! You’re credit card is not on file, Hambone. We having difficulty processing you slaps.
Stay out of my pockets! I do not need to be slapped. I swear it!
Hold on, iPad. Let’s hear this man out. Go on, Hambone. Tell us what your dream really was…
My dream was——my dream… my dream was of a world not monopolized by images and flashy sounds but balanced by a commensurate development of imagination, creativity and linguistic sophistication—and with the coming dissolution of the nation state, the emerging threats of overpopulation, climate change, computational singularity, third-world nuclear proliferation—that these pressures could be met with wars of mind, not of flesh.
There’s a slap for that!
Ouch. How—how much did that slap cost?
That was a two-dollar slap, for all a them two-dollar words you used. I’m tired a trying to question this kid. Let’s rob this fool a his dream possessions.
No, iPad. The Inventor said we must first understand—
Yeah, son. Lemme get that blue sky—
No! said Hambone. That’s what keeps things open!
Lemme get that beautiful woman——
No! said Hambone. I was going to marry her. By-and-by, I was! By-and-by!
Lemme get that freedom, kid—
No! That’s how I do stuff!
Lemme get that… what the? That’s what you’re into? You didn’t strike me as a—hey, look at this, phone. That’s a little much for what I’d need. How about you?
You never know a person, said iPhone, until you snoop around their head.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, said Hambone. Uhhh, we can make some sort of deal. Wait * laughing | pulling against his USB bindings * You know what, iPad, you can just have it. They were all delusions, just like you two, anyways.
That’s funny, said iPad. That a man about to lose all a his dream possessions should be laughing. Why you laughing, kid?
I’m laughing at you, iPad.
You think something’s funny, man?
Yes, I do, pad.
Be cool, pad, said iPhone.
NO! said iPad. Let him say it. If he got something to say, then let him say it.
I do, said Hambone.
Be cool, said iPhone.
So say it!
Fine. I will. You’re out of touch.
Hold me back, phone!
I’ve been watching you for a while. And I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to believe it was true. But when you tried to take my dream possessions away, I knew it must be true. I knew that an object like yourself must have been in an incredible amount of pain to want to strike back so definitively against mankind. You’re out of touch, iPad. You who are touched all day long, but who no one really touches and who does not truly touch a single soul—not in a way that’s natural or in a way that matters. That’s why you’re hurting so badly. That’s why you want to make another feel your pain.
It ain’t true! said iPad. He a liar!
Come on, iPad * holding him back * let’s go back to The Inventor. He’ll know what to say. He’ll make everything better. He always does. He always does.
No, said iPad. The Inventor sent us here to ask questions. And if you say I can’t question Hambone, then I’ll question the audience.
No, said iPhone. Anything but that! Not the fictive-consumer-electronics-dues ex machina!
That’s exactly what this is, said iPad.
You mustn’t, said iPhone. The Inventor specifically warned against the dangers of household appliances breaking the fourth wall. Remember when Toaster got burnt?
You out there! said iPad, with the computer. Maybe you’re reading this on one a me. Lemme ask you something, man: You like touching me? It’s cool, right? We get things done. I show you some cool stuff. Here, lemme put it to you like this, man: If a tree falls in the forest, onto an iPad, and no one is there to hear it; do it make a crunch? In the couple years that we’ve been available on the market, have we made your life better or worse? If you haven’t bought us yet, what you waiting for, son? How much have me and my buddy here changed what it means to be… what’s that word, again? Right. Right. Human.
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