I’ve been blogging for a while now and I’m starting to run out of ideas. What better time to reveal a few of the less reputable aspects of my personality? Let’s see… what’s going on in the news? Nothing. A million problems, and you and I can’t solve them. What’s important is this: It’s Springtime. That means women are going to be wearing less. Let’s face it, you are going to look (even if you’re a woman). Why not employ some of these moderately reputable and moderately successful gambits and only get caught 75% of the time?
Of course the astute reader will recall that in an earlier post I railed against the dangers of objectifying women online here. But we’re talking about objectifying women in real life and that, my friends, is different. In real life there is simply more sport: Hey, you objectified me!? Sorry… no, actually I am not sorry, ‘cause look at ya.
1. Reflective Surfaces
Women have been using mirrors and reflective surfaces for years to figure out whether we’re looking at them from behind. You didn’t know this? Sorry. But don’t give up all hope my leery-eyed fiend. These tables can be turned once more. You can check-out them in mirrors too! at bars, at gyms, on the edifices of office buildings, even in the rippling waters of a placid pond. Leer-away!
2. Slow Your Roll
Slowing one’s roll is an excellent stratagem to acquire an eyeful of hotness. Women are always in a hurry in public places. Especially exceptionally attractive women. For some strange reason they’re uncomfortable. Weird. Anyways, here’s what ya do. You see a hottie out the corner of your eye about to merge with your path – slow your roll, my friend, s l o w y o u r r o l l. If you like what you see, you can invite her to slow her roll as well. Some winning phrases include: “Hey! I like what you got!” “Wobble Wobble!” and “Hot Diggity Dog!” (The latter phrase being reserved for eighty-year old white guys.)
3. Imaginary Things / Schizophrenia
Schizophrenia’s no joke. Pretending to be crazy and having conversations with famous dead people just to check out a smoking babe, is.
4. The High Traffic Look-Out
Find you a good spot. Wait *finger to lips: Shhhh! here she come. Here she come! * Wait for it. Wait for it. Kazaah! You are mine, my dear. You are… gone.
5. Scratch your Face
“Oh, my face itches… and you are so hot!”
6. Deep in Thought
Eyes defocused, staring around aimlessly, Could it really be that the essence of all Marxist Determinalism is expressed in an abundance of – BIG BOOTY H###, UP WIT IT!
7. On the Cellphone (Point to Something Behind Her)
“Yes, yes, I told you I was on Third Street. Yes, that’s where I am. Yes * points * and right behind the Landmark Building I can see the Twin Towers. Yes, It’s right in front of me. No, I don’t know if I have to pay for parking. I’ll – I’ll ask the attendant.”
8. Peripheral Party-Time
When you move your head suspiciously, both God and Man can judge you. When hotness enters your field of vision without any effort on your part, that’s Peripheral Party-Time. Did God not give Man eyes so that he might see?
9. The Spin Move
Women like to dance. This is a good opportunity to look at their butts. Especially, if they’ve been sitting for a long time and they look kinda bored. Walk over and place an upturned hand above them as if offering to take their hand and spin them. If she looks confused, explain, “So I can see what you working wit.” If things continue to go badly, her less attractive friends will rush-in and ask you to scram. Smile politely and turn your back to them without leaving. Make things awkward. Give them some time to talk it over.
10. “Oops! I Have Dropped Something, Madam!”
This is an old favorite of mine. I like to drop money. But because of that ole’ jerk, Mr. Inflation, no dime or quarter will do. Go to your neighborhood bank and ask for this thing they used to call a Sacagawea Dollar. Be prepared to argue and wait. “No, no,” you must insist, “it does exist.” “No, I am not wasting your time. It’s slightly smaller than a silver dollar and looks goldish in color.” Get you about ten of those rare coins of currency. Now go out in public and toss them in front of pretty ladies while pretending to be blind. Call out, “Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Where are you?! I long for your goldish touch, my friend!” If this doesn’t elicit a reaction, keep going. Spout historic facts of dubious repute, “SACAGAWEA! Come back to me. You saved the pilgrims from… smallpox and… … road-rash. SACAGAWEA!” If she stoops or bends before you to pick it up, open your eyes and make the sound a cash register makes to indicate you value her. If she doesn’t like this, put your finger to your nose and pretend it was merely a sneeze. “…I mean, ahh – cheew! I mean, ahh – how-do-you-do?”